i study because i’m heartbroken/untitled. (there was a shooting on the metro today)
by KWADWO ALFAJIRI SHAH
in Fall 2023
Vincent Hunter, for Trinidad, 2020
i study because i'm heartbroken
i study because i’m heartbroken
not just the kind where
i miss you
not just the kind where
you were there, and then suddenly
you weren’t.
not just the kind where
you’re still there, but not really
not just the kind where
you give me promises
that you don’t fulfill
not just the kind where
i still believe you
not just the kind where
i wake up cold thinking
about how you’re warm
not just the kind where
that same cold seeps
through my fingertips
as i write
not just the kind where
the only way to quiet
my mind and my heart
is to study
not just that kind.
it’s also the kind where
i was stolen from a home
i may never know
it’s also the kind where
i’ve been away
for centuries
it’s also the kind where
Negroes tell me to be content
as if i could know myself today
without knowing myself yesterday
it’s also the kind where
we’re all distracted
it’s also the kind where
most of us can’t see that
it’s also the kind where
we make our homes in
the places they made for us
because that’s the only way to cope
it’s also the kind where
my heart longs to be free.
it’s also the kind where
they have us living apart-mentally
it’s also the kind where
we let them
it’s also the kind where
we’ve struggled for so long,
and still haven't won
it’s also the kind where
we’ve forgotten there’s even
a war going on
it’s also the kind where
our warriors think a hammer
and sickle could handle what
is best accomplished by the mind
or the soul
it’s also the kind where
i’m lonely; as a thinker
and a friend
it’s also the kind where
i know this kind of
lonely
may not ever end
i can hear the laughter of children
playing in the compound
i can see the duty of housewives
(some of whom would be called “husbands”
by our captors) preparing
food for all
far away, i can feel the toil
of hands, hardened by the hoe
they dig the ground and
care for it, so that
we can grow.
i savor
the wisdom of elders
whose words wash my ears
and cleanse my soul
i feel strengthened
knowing the ancestors have
shown us which way to go
i could laugh
knowing they are with me
living in my heart
i could go wild
with the faith that we’re still one
even though we are apart
so you go where you go
and i go where i
either way we’re still together
in my heart’s eye
untitled. (there was a shooting on the metro today)
there was a shooting on the metro today
another shooting
the bullets rain
and everywhere is wind
there was a shooting on the metro today
more death
maybe this kind is different than the one you say i’m committed to
there was a shooting on the metro today
one worker killed
one chance at choice snuffed out
another life taken away
there was a shooting on the metro today
and i’m on the bus now
what a simple reminder
that i’m fragile too
ii.
there was a shooting on the metro today
more death
more, more
the guzzards drink and make themselves
rich with our lifeblood
they praise at the altar of our sacrifice
not in a shaking wild frenzy
but with calm piety
and cold, scientific fact
there was a shooting on the metro today
and we die
we all die
uptown from the monuments to our death
there was a shooting on the metro today
and they take us from each other
the greed of their avarice-eyes
looking, locating
the places of our content
to send the blue-black claws rushing in
(to shred us all up)
there was a shooting on the metro today
yesterday it was in your home
last year it was on the street,
or in a jail cell
the year before it was on shores
we may never know
there was a shooting on the metro today
and rush hour continues like clockwork
there was a shooting on the metro today
and we’re supposed to just keep on going.
Alfajiri is a muntu, a single thread in the tapestry of existence. They are their mother's and father's and grandmother's child. They were trained in Black study at Howard University and are currently working toward a master's degree in data science for public policy. They are still, however, searching for ways to be free.